I hate shopping

I Hate Shopping

Karla is a very methodical Christmas shopper. She wants to buy the perfect gift. She thinks and shops and ponders and shops and thinks and ponders some more before ever laying down her cold hard cash. She puts great effort into buying gifts for her loved ones. Like Santa, she enjoys making a list and checking it twice. Karla receives great satisfaction in finding the perfect gift in the tenth store she visits especially when it is two dollars cheaper than it was in the first store and one dollar cheaper than it was in the eighth store.

I’m not that way. I go to one store. I rush in, buy it (whatever “it” is), and rush out. I’ll pay the extra two bucks. In my mind, shopping malls at Christmas time are like the “hairy-lipped kisses” my grandma used to give— they should be avoided at all costs. I know there are presents to buy. I know that I must buy them. But like those Christmas smooches from grandma, I derive no enjoyment in the process.

It’s not that I don’t want my loved ones happy on Christmas morning, I do. Despite my propensity to utter “Bah Humbug” whenever I think of a mall, I don’t think I’m a Scrooge. And this little e-mail is not intended to be a “materialism, consumerism, and every other “ism” is evil” type of writing. All that may be true, but my point is not that deep. It’s simply this: I hate shopping.

While I never seem to have a problem finding a parking space at church (It helps that I arrive before the roosters are awake on most days), in a mall parking lot I never seem to get within three football fields of the doors. Once inside and upon receiving the necessary oxygen from my Everest-like hike to the mall, I never know where the stores are located in which I want to shop. After an eternity of seeking, asking, walking and wishing I was like the Magi with a star to follow, I might locate the necessary store or maybe not. Assuming I do find the store, upon reaching my destination, I am usually once again in need of oxygen and a meal following this store searching marathon.

Of course, entering the store is when my “fun” really begins. I am the Ponce de Leon of Christmas shopping. I rarely find what I am after and frequently settle for a second, third, or even the fifty-fourth choice. My frustration doesn’t end there. You see, I have the gift of being able to pick out the one item on a shelf of hundreds of items that doesn’t have a price tag or bar code on it. I have the ability to enter the one check out line that contains the worker with the least capacity to work a cash register, a cash register that has run out of paper for the receipts, and/or the line where the credit card machine just went on the blink. And I have an uncanny knack of standing behind a person in line who has won the prize for being: a) the most Grinch-like person in Who-ville; b) the foulest mouth in the Navy; c) the worse head cold the Mayo Clinic has ever diagnosed who also has the penchant to sneeze in my general direction; or d) as is usually the case, the super trifecta of all of the above.

Yes, I hate shopping!

Like it or not, we have ten more shopping days until Christmas. Unless you are one of those sick individuals that have had their Christmas shopping done since July, like me you will probably find yourself in a mall in the next ten days, or at the very least, in a Wal-Mart or Target. You will have a choice. You can be grumpy and rushed and have a bad attitude and foul disposition like the guy I’m usually behind in the check-out line or you can determine to be happy and spread the love of Christ.

Here’s how to be happy in a mall at Christmas: In spite of all of the facts from the previous paragraphs, determine to smile a lot. Say “Merry Christmas” to as many people as possible. When entering the mall, have some change ready for the Salvation Army Bell Ringer. Be generous. Hum a Christmas Carol while you shop. Take a moment to watch bright-eyed kids tell Santa all of their materialistic desires. Find a Starbucks and order a Peppermint Mocha (a tasty drink that is quickly becoming a Rob Prince holiday tradition). Be polite. If you pass a Santa hat display, ALWAYS try one on while loudly saying “Ho! Ho! Ho!” (If you have teenage children shopping with you this will make them disappear quicker than asking them to do the dishes following dinner.) If someone has more than their allotted items for the express check-out line, don’t sweat it. You’ll get your turn to purchase Aunt Lucy’s Chia Pet, I promise. While in the mall, don’t be afraid to use these words: “excuse me,” “thank you,” and “I’m buying this present for my pastor.” (Oops… how did that last line get in there?) Point is: don’t let crowded malls, cranky people and tight schedules remove the joy from your heart. It’s Christmas! The greatest news of all is ours: God is with us! Why not act like it—even in a shopping mall!